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Men-talk
Women can just spend hours talking about life, love, fashion, boyfriends, husbands, anything. We can talk about the same topic for hours, analyzing every little bit of everything to the zth degree. We go into enormous details discussing about our feelings and we expect out girlfriends to listen and to empathize with us. And they are good at it. It’s a woman thing. How many times have you phoned a girlfriend for no other reason than just to talk?
This is not what men do. They don’t call up each other just ”to talk“. They talk for a purpose, to get something done.
If your man is exceptional and enjoys talking and listening to your conversations, bless him. But for those women out there who have ”uncommunicative“ men, here’s an attempt to explain why they don’t talk much.
Why men don’t talk much
Brain science has uncovered physiological reasons why talking is more taxing for most men than it is for most women. Just as women can have difficulty keeping up with her man when walking briskly, so men suffer a physical disadvantage that makes it difficult for them to keep up with the average woman at talking.
Ok, that’s reason enough. Here’s further explanation to build up their case.
Remember a man’s concept of masculinity? Every boy growing up is taught that to be too talkative is girlish. Most men also find it hard to talk about their emotions. Most men find it humiliating to reveal their mistakes, fears and weaknesses. Because society expects men to be strong and free of fears, most men just choose to be silent. Strength and silence go together because silence is needed to maintain the illusion of strength. Women also help perpetuate this belief. A lot of women have preference for strong, silent types. And don’t we just get turned off when a man talks too much?
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Most women are frustrated when their man refuses to talk about what happened to him during the day. If you are having this problem, find comfort in the thought that men view talking differently.
For us, talking can be therapeutic. To some men, it is counterproductive. To come home from work and talk about how their day went is for many men not their idea of a relaxing way to unwind.
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Some can even find it wearying, especially if there are problems at work.
A male friend complains that his girlfriend does nothing but complain about her terrible day at work. He is already stressed with his own life and can’t find the energy to verbally empathize. The girlfriend resents his attitude and thinks he is uncaring and insensitive. A classic case of gender differences in communication needs. The man longs to forget, the woman wants to dredge them up.
The next case, I am sure, most of us are guilty of, at one time or another. You know that when a man is in a close, committed relationship, he considers his wife/girlfriend as his best friend/confidante. This is how you manage to gain access to his dreams, his secrets, and his failures. But most of us are so dependent on the need to talk that sometimes, in our need to think through situations, we blab out our man’s most embarrassing secrets. All in the spirit of ”sharing“. We probably aren’t aware of it, but what we are sharing isn’t ours, it is your man’s, simply entrusted for your safekeeping. So if you are the lucky recipient of your man’s deepest secrets, keep them to yourself. Most of all, never use them against him in your arguments. It is not only petty, it is undignified and a valid reason for him not to open up and trust you again.
Enough said about men not as inclined to ”sharing“ as women.
How do you get them to talk?
If you are happy with your strong, silent type, you don’t have a problem. But if you are one of those countless women who wanted the silent type, only to be frustrated that he is too silent, you’ll find this useful reading.
Here’s some advice on how to get your clammed up man to open up.
- When he opens up, even just a little, express your appreciation by saying you are glad he trusted you with something so private.
- Listen intently. Show your interest by maintaining eye contact, hanging on to his every word, nodding, smiling, etc. In other words, give him your undivided attention.
- Don’t interrupt.
- If he seems to have difficulty, ask him a relevant question. But don’t act like an interrogator, firing questions one after another. Allow pauses in the conversation. Give him the chance to collect his thoughts,
- Don’t judge. Don’t say, ”How can you do that?“ or ”That’s really stupid“. Remember. You want him to know you understand him.
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