A man needs to feel like a man

We always hear the words, ”the male ego“, but never really quite understood them. Try substituting the words, ”a man’s need to feel like a man“ and it makes better sense.

A man’s sense of masculinity focuses on performance: in sports, in career, in business, in sex. Young men sometimes perform reckless acts that can even endanger their lives just to prove their masculinity. What a man feels constitutes masculinity varies from man to man, depending on his role model at critical times in his childhood. If his role model is a father whose idea of masculinity is never to share on a woman’s chores, then you will most likely never find him washing the dishes or doing the laundry.

You must have heard of animal experiments, which demonstrated that there is a critical period in an animal’s life during which it will become locked into certain behavior. The same thing applies to men. By the time you meet your man, he had long passed that critical stage that determines his concept of masculinity. Of course, it doesn’t mean that this cannot be changed. It only means that you are dealing with something that is very, very strong.

It is not only men who are bound by their own concepts; we are also bound by our own concepts of femininity. Our concept of femininity is usually tied up with physical appearance. Don’t we endure all the pain, discomfort and stress in order to look more like our concept of a feminine woman: endless diets, hair removal treatments, uncomfortable high heeled shoes, etc, etc. Some even go to the extent of starving themselves, depriving their bodies of nourishment just to conform to the idea that to be feminine, a woman must be thin.

So what is the moral of this discussion?

It is worthwhile to understand your man’s idea of masculinity. This will help you understand his behavior better.

He doesn’t like opening the car door for you?

He refuses to show affection in public?

He doesn’t say or doesn’t want to say, ”I love you“?

He doesn’t want to do the dishes after you have done all the cooking?

Don’t just conclude that he is an insensitive, male chauvinist, lazy, selfish scumbag. Don’t immediately think that all that is at stake is a little physical effort. If what you are asking for touches his concept of what it means to be a man, you are treading on dangerous grounds. But you are unhappy and you want him to change.

This is not the time to be confrontational and start nagging him endlessly how uncaring and how insensitive he is. Don’t say things like, ”If you really love me, you will….“. The most loving and effective way to bring about change is not to make change a test of love, but to attempt in an unpressuring manner to change the deep-seated concepts he has. Of course, it is easier said than done. It is far easier to nag and demand when you are exasperated with his ”masculine“ behavior. But trust me, nagging and demanding that he behave in the manner that you prefer will never work. If your man is normal, talking about it in an uncomplaining manner and showing genuine appreciation for behavior that pleases you generally work. With this knowledge on hand, you can take comfort on the fact most men act in stereotype, masculine ways to feel more sure in their masculinity. They do not act in masculine ways merely to frustrate you.