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Survive and Let go
Becoming aware and recognizing the emotions you will feel after the break-up is just the first step. The next more important step is to let go, to heal yourself of the pain that you are going through.
Just as there are ways to make the other person ”fall in love“ with you, there are ways to make you ”fall out of love“ with that person. Unfortunately, though, falling in love is more often, a faster process. Falling out may take some time, but it does happen.
Allow your grief to happen
Grief is not something you get over; it is something you get through. Don’t berate yourself that you feel that way. Give in to your emotions. Cry if you feel sad. Call your best friend and talk the grief out of your system.
As the days go by, you will notice that you are grieving less and less. If you used to talk on the phone with your best friend recycling the same story over and over for 6 hours, now your talks are down to 3 hours then to 2, and so on. If you used to cry everyday, now you only find yourself crying three times a week. I am assuming that you are letting the natural law of progression take place.
While you should allow your grief to happen, you are not allowed to milk it forever, which brings me to the next point.
Give yourself a deadline
Set a goal for yourself: say you will be completely over your ex by next month. Work through this goal in your mind. Visualize yourself that you are already happy and recovered. Picture yourself in the company of new friends, exploring new paths. Doing this visualization exercise every time you feel like crying will help you eliminate thoughts that harbor your helplessness.
Replan your future and set new goals
Most of your grief comes from the death of a dream of a ”future“ or ”forever“ with your ex. You not only lost that person for today, you also lost the fantasy of spending the rest of your life with him. Shake yourself out of that dream. Accept that he is no longer there but you still have a future ahead of you. Set new goals for yourself. Attend a new course, learn a new skill, make a major purchase, go for a long holiday, etc. This way you are reprogramming your mind to derive pleasure from accomplishing new goals.
Make a clean break
After a break up, quit seeing your ex, totally. If you want to recover faster, the only way to go is cold turkey. Don’t go to places where you will bump into him. Don’t call him. Don’t set up events so you will end up seeing each other ”accidentally“. Don’t be ”just friends“. Chances are, after these friendly meetings, you will feel more hurt than happy if he did not behave as you wished he would. If you were secretly hoping he would ask you out for a date or do some other reconciliatory gesture and he did not, you will go home disappointed. If he acted as if he has fully recovered and unaffected, you feel cheated. Spare yourself the hurt; banish yourself from his sight, completely.
If you were totally out of sight, wouldn’t that spoil your chances of reconciliation? If your ex wants you back, he will seek you out, no matter where you are. If he doesn’t, no amount of parading yourself or desperate calling will bring him back.
Act as if you are happy and recovered
When you are depressed, it isn’t easy to act happy. But you can! There is a proven philosophy in behavioral psychology that Tony Robbins has aptly summarized as ”Physiology leads Psychology“. This simply means that if you start acting happy, you will feel really happy after sometime.
Isn’t it psychology leads physiology? Yes, we already know that to be true. When we are sad, our face drops, our eyes look sullen, our shoulders slump. This is further compounded when we verbalize it and say, ”I really feel so sad“, or ”I am so depressed“. Saying things like these make these feeling manifest themselves. You feel even more depressed.
Psychologists have found that the reverse is also true. If you are feeling down, force a smile, laugh at jokes, stand up straight and soon you will feel less depressed. Every time you catch yourself wallowing in grief and self-pity, put on your happy face and see what happens.
Make a ”why I am happier now“ list
A book I read prescribed writing a ”10 things I hate about you“ list – list that you can look back to whenever you feel nostalgic about your failed romance. This may work but a ”hate“ list will put to the fore your hateful emotions, which can delay your healing process. Instead of focusing on the hateful things, make a ”why I am happier now“ list. This way, you can focus on the blessings that the ending of the relationship has brought you. Example, you now have more freedom to do the things you have always wanted to do, you can now express yourself freely without fear, you can now meet more interesting people, etc. This way, you feel so much better for yourself and you also release the negative emotions that you may still have.
Be kind and forgiving to yourself
During this stage, you are more irritable, more sensitive and prone to commit mistakes. Don’t hate yourself for feeling this way. But rather, treat yourself as you would a sick friend. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
Do not forget the power of touch. If you are feeling really down and there is no one to hug you, hug yourself. Feel the comfort of your warmth. Do this while saying,“ I am feeling better now“.
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