How do you say goodbye?

You’ve had enough. You have decided your relationship is not worth your emotions, your time, your effort, and your resources. It’s time to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye should be handled carefully. If you simply sneak out from the back every time you want out, you will end up with a trail of ex-boyfriends bad mouthing you. The last thing you want is a ruined reputation.

There may be 100 ways to leave your lover but there is only one way to say goodbye: with grace, with style, with dignity. Of course, cases of violent psychopaths and extremely persistent, clueless losers are not covered here. You may need to consult with security experts and shrinks for such cases.

How do you end a relationship that’s been good to you?

When ending a previously good relationship, no matter how much pain is involved, you should take great effort to make sure that you leave your man in a positive state. This isn’t easy and requires a great amount of positive emotions and effort. But doing so will have long-term benefits to both of you. This will allow you to move on to a new life, and to new loves. After a period of healing, lovers who broke up amicably can even become best friends.

Be considerate of his feelings and situations

In breaking up amicably, timing is of the essence. Choose a time where breaking up will have the least negative impact on him. Hold it when the poor guy is going through very difficult or challenging times like bereavement, taking a major exam, going for a major job interview, facing retrenchment, etc. You also would not want to spoil his fun too much by ditching him on his birthday, Christmas Day or a day that is meant to be happy. A regular, uneventful day is the best bet.

I know it is tempting to drop the bomb when it has the most impact. We all have this little devil in us urging us to seek revenge or to make him feel the maximum impact of your loss. But what good will it do you? Revenge is a very negative emotion that can overwhelm you. Do the right thing – drop the bomb when there will be least casualty.

Contain your emotions

Breaking up is almost emotionally charged. Mentally prepare yourself for this. Visualize yourself to be calm, composed and dignified in your face-to-face meeting, Speak in a controlled voice. It is alright to show your sadness but try to contain your tears. This applies whether you are breaking up or being broken up with.

Break up cleanly and completely, not partially

Tell him it is over, and there is no chance that you will get back together. Giving him hope of a reconciliation when there is none is dishonest, cruel and an uncalled for punishment. Saying thing like ”who knows what will happen in the future“ or similar lines would only provoke unwanted hope and attention.

Tell him in person

This may sound quaint and old-fashioned in this cyber age, but it is still the right thing to do. An exception to this is when you have reason to believe that he will be violent in a face-to-face confrontation.

In cases where a face-to-face breakup is impossible, your next choices, in order of being more dignified and acceptable are:

Personal phone call – Leaving a break-up message in an answering machine is a definite no-no.

Posted letter – This may take some time but it is a bit more personal, more thought of. This will allow you to write your message in a card that says thank you for the good times you had.

E-mail – This is fast but a bit too impersonal, although more and more people are doing it these days. When writing an e-mail, write as if you are writing a posted letter. Forget shortcuts and emoticons.

Other modes of delivery like asking a third party such as his friend or your friend to say it, or worse via SMS (text) message is simply unacceptable. You wouldn’t want to receive a message on your phone that says, ”u n me r ovr 2day. Thnx 4 evrythng“ , would you?

And the latest: never ever break up with someone through your BLOG!!

Focus on your own feelings

Resist the temptation of throwing all the blame on him for the failure of the relationship. Speak only of how you feel. Say things like "I feel I am unloved, neglected, not valued, not respected“, ”I feel the relationship is going nowhere“, This would elicit a kinder, more understanding response than, ”You don’t appreciate me“, ” You don’t love me“, ” You don’t respect me“, etc.

Do it in a public place

Breaking up in a public place such as a park or a quiet restaurant would contain any emotional outburst that may arise. This will allow you to explain your rational for breaking up. Delivering the bad news in a contained space like a car or your bedroom leaves a lot of room for negative outbursts such as shouting, shaking, cursing, and threatening. A public place will also allow you to exit when you feel you have adequately delivered your piece. It relieves you or him of the burden asking the other person out when things go out of hand.