• Are you giving too much too soon?
• Are you giving too much too soon...Part 2
• Building a loving relationship
• Building a loving relationship...Part 2
• Keeping your man happy
• Keeping your man happy...Part 2
• Keeping yourself happy, too
• Keeping yourself happy, too...Part 2
• If you want to annoy him
• Managing jealousy  
• Managing Jealousy...Part 2

Managing jealousy

They say the only certain things in life are death and taxes. I think jealousy should be included. Even in the most mature and secure relationship, jealousy can still arise.

Jealousy is a real-life issue that plagues many relationships. How many times have you felt tormented when your partner looks longingly at someone else? How many times has your imagination torture you with romantic scenarios that don’t include you?

Knowing that jealousy can drive a wedge even between the most stable relationships is motivation enough to look at how jealousy can be managed.

What causes jealousy?

Most articles on jealousy list its causes as: infidelity in a prior relationship, abandonment issues from the past, betrayal of trust in a current relationship, low self esteem, a paranoid personality, etc.

My favorite explanation of the causes of jealousy is from James Park, an existential philosopher and author of the book ”New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships“.

James Park says, ”Jealousy arises in human relationships because of comparison, competition and fear of being replaced“.

According to James Park, ”Some people often find themselves feeling jealous because they foster and support comparison and competition. They try hard to be the ideal ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ type that happens to be popular in the erotic market – hoping to be better than their competitors“. He believes that women who are trying to be the most physically attractive or having the most ”feminine personalities“ are hiding their individuality and competing with other women to be the most desirable female. A woman wants to be regarded as the best of these popular types: beautiful woman, intelligent woman, sexy woman, etc. On this level, all women are being compared according to the same standard – what men generally want.

How true! When you catch your man looking at another woman, don’t you make a quick glance-over and do an almost-instant comparison versus your potential competitor? When a friend tells you that she saw your ex with his new girlfriend, don’t you immediately ask, ”How does she look like?“ Aren’t you pleased when your friend responds with the politically correct, ”You are more beautiful“? When a boyfriend dumps you for another, isn’t your impulse to ask, ”What has she got that I don’t?“

These are normal feelings. Every woman, even the most secure, mature, and independent feels jealous at some point in her life. The difference is, a mature woman knows how to manage her jealousy.

Is it crazy jealousy?

Ask yourself.  What kind of jealousy are you experiencing? Is this the normal, run-of-the-mill, once-in-a-while healthy jealousy? Or has it crossed the border to crazy jealousy? If you find yourself:

-         obsessed with your man

-         constantly suspecting that your man is being unfaithful with no supporting evidence

-         totally overreacting to the slightest incidents involving your man and other women

-         becoming depressed, frantic and emotional with constant thought of your man leaving you for another woman.

-         exhibiting ”fatal attraction“ behavior like listening to the phone extension, driving by his house to spy, following him, rummaging through his drawers, hacking his e-mail, intercepting his mails, checking his body for bruises, hickeys, scratches, etc.

It is time to take stock of your behavior. Acknowledging that you are suffering from crazy jealousy is the first step. Realizing that you have to do something about it before you totally freak him out is the second.

The advice below may be able to help. Of course, pathological jealousy, fatal attraction type problems are beyond my scope. That’s where professional counselors and therapists come in.

Act like a complete woman

Women who are secure, independent and happy with themselves, regardless of age (although a research says that when women reach the age of 35, they become less jealous) are less likely to be crazy-jealous. They are not focused on their relationship; they have their own identities. They do not need men to complete themselves, they are complete in themselves. They do not measure themselves by how beautiful, how smart, how sexy they are against other women. They know that if they use such a gauge, they will always lose out. If their man chooses to be with someone else, they feel it is their loss, not theirs. Hence, they don’t feel the urge to guard, follow, and interrogate their man.

Whenever you feel crazy-jealous, think how a complete woman would feel in such a situation. Will she show tantrums? Will she be emotional? Will she be making a scene? Most probably not. She will most likely handle it with finesse, with dignity. She will never make wild accusations. She will never over-react.

Rehearse in your mind how you will react in a ”jealous“ situation. See yourself acting cool and confident. Do this whenever you can. You will find that when such a situation arises, you will actually find it easier to act cool. It is as if you are drawing from a reaction reserve. As you continue to do this exercise, you will find that you are no longer acting. You have really become cool and confident.